*GASP* i AM aware of the LACK of "support" and "care" i receive from THIS state!

this morning, one of the ics managers (i'm pretty sure anyway- i remember her and the manager showing up at one of my care meetings and amy (although it might've been gaby because it was so long ago) they were planning that they'd try not to get me thinking about moving to new york anymore and planning on making living in this apartment to block any hopes to move there- but i still wanna move out east). people are ignoring the facts that i'm a HUMAN BEING with a WORKING MIND who WANTS to actually do SOMETHING with her life OTHER than live on social security- depending on the government for my income- ERASING ANY FREEDOMS I HAVE WITH THE MONEY I SPEND. she looked at my calendar hanging in my kitchen where i write all my appointments on and she seen that i have a driver's evaluation this friday on it. she asked me anxiously, "OOO! I SEE YOU HAVE A DRIVER'S EVALUATION ON FRIDAY WITH HEALTH PARTNERS! ARE THEY LIKE COURAGE KENNY?!" then i said, "NO.. courage kenny failed me THREE OR FOUR TIMES SAYING "NEEDS MORE THERAPY". they're trying to take advantage of their clients who are UNADVOCATED for because i seen A LOT of people who drive and are less ambulatory than i am. WHERE'S THEIR NEEDS MORE THERAPY COMMENTS?!" james has his license AND a car he can drive AND he's quadriplegic, he can't walk but he can move his hands and arms. SO WHERE'S HIS "NEEDS MORE THERAPY" COMMENT?! he's got ADVOCACY from parents who ACTUALLY CARE about him. i hear in my head the people in the east right now asking me why i didn't get my driver's license from minnesota since they have the courage center. IF ANYONE ACTUALLY GAVE A FUCK ABOUT ME- I WOULD'VE HAD MY LICENSE A LONG FUCKIN TIME AGO. I HAVEN'T HAD MY DAMN DRIVER'S LICENSE IN TWENTY FOUR DAMN YEARS. THE FURTHEST I COULD GET MYSELF WAS MY DRIVER'S PERMIT. I DID NOT GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE TAKEN AWAY FROM ME- IT JUST EXPIRED AND I NEVER RENEWED IT BECAUSE I WASN'T REHABILITATED RIGHT AWAY, SO DRIVING JUST SEEMED POINTLESS BECAUSE I WASN'T AMBULATORY RIGHT AWAY OR REALLY ABLE TO DRIVE (WHICH DID SWITCH WHEN I GOT MY DRIVER'S PERMIT AND I TOOK ALL THOSE DAMN DRIVING LESSONS THAT MY TRUSTEE CONVENIENTLY CAN'T FIND RECORDS OF AND SO I NEVER RENEWED IT.) "WAIT TIL I DIE- AMANDA WILL HELP YOU GET YOUR LICENSE AND SHE'LL GET YOU TO NEW YORK!" i heard that bullshit probably EVERY damn night the last two years of my grandma's life said by my grandma. she either didn't care about me or she was just uncaringly naive. it's probably a mix now that i think about it. THANKS AMANDA! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING FOR ME SINCE MY GRANDMA DIED! YOU'RE THE BEST. i just hope you get to feel what it's like to be underestimated and lacking advocacy so you can't do anything YOU TRULY want. it probably won't happen now.. but when you're older.. things may be a different story, einstein. karma's a bitch. you'll see how it feels to lose everything after you have everything. MAYBE YOUR FELON OF A PRESIDENT WILL HELP YOU!.. chances are he'll be too damn worried about keeping his fat ass away from all the deserved punishments though. all i'm gonna say is health partners better not pull that "WELL YOU'LL BE LIVING SOMEWHERE THEY HAVE A GOOD TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM! I DON'T SEE WHY YOU'LL NEED YOUR LICENSE!" bullshit because then I'M DONE WITH MINNESOTA. THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING WAY I'LL CHANGE MY MIND. courage kenny tried to pull that shit outta their ass and i haven't been back to that shithole excuse of a "rehabilitation" center. people seem to think i'm stupid and i forget shit- NO I DON'T DICKS. I'VE CAME WAY TOO FUCKING FAR FOR SOME JACKASSES TO JUST IGNORE MY PROGRESSION FOR THEIR FUCKIN CONVENIENCE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ADVOCACY TO MAKE SURE THEY'RE ACTUALLY DOING THEIR FUCKING JOBS PROPERLY. joe has been helping me as much as he can though. OTHER THAN THAT- I GET ABSOLUTELY NO HELP OR CARE FROM ANY OF MY OTHER DAMN RELATIVES. I WASTED MY TIME IN THIS STATE FOR NOTHING. my family could care less. the ONLY relative who actually checked on me the last time i had surgery was joe. i'm positive he'll come see me in boston or wherever i end up. he video chatted with me while i was in the hospital last having surgery. i KNOW that amanda AND her mom had knowledge of me being in the hospital because i left BOTH of them voice mails telling them where i was. did either of them make an effort to see how i was doing? NO. or how about my OWN only living PARENT? HELL NO. i honestly was thinking that if she called me in the hospital, i was gonna scream in the phone, "ARE YOU HAPPY THAT I'M GETTING THIS SHIT DONE TO ME BECAUSE OF YOU?!" she's NEVER brought up holding me in front of her while my dad kicked me instead of her when he was aiming for HER, so she was using me as a shield and tried to cover it up by saying, "STACY IS HERE! DON'T FIGHT IN FRONT OF HER!" i've had MANY dreams reminiscing this, mostly during the time of my last surgery- almost as if God was explaining to me why i was having the surgery and going through everything i was.